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Synopsis
In this very first episode of AccessGranted: The Stories of UCL’s Most Inspiring Students, we virtually sat down with Beth, who is autistic, anxiety-ridden, and a trauma survivor. By recounting her experiences at UCL, she emphasized the crucial role her teaching team played in providing unwavering support, empathy, and understanding. Her journey of self-discovery and understanding of her coping mechanisms, which include crocheting, growing plants, and more, is a testament to the importance of embracing individuality in mental health support. Rather than trying to fit into preconceived molds or forcing yourself to conform to certain expectations, we acknowledge and encourage you to explore your own ways of managing well-being. However, your mental health does not define you, and you do not have to live in constant fear of judgment or disclosure of your struggles. This acceptance and understanding have empowered Beth to love, rather than to suppress, her true self and live authentically.
'Overcoming' can be a difficult and daunting task, especially when faced with personal struggles and academic pressures. The power of creative storytelling has proven to be a transformative tool in helping individuals navigate these obstacles. This is exemplified here, where Beth unfolded how her trajectory led to the creation of Creative Comfort, an organization specializing in interactive storytelling interventions in hospitals.
How should we find inner peace when everything around us is falling apart? Where should we seek help if we are left with no support system? How should we confide in our strengths in difficult circumstances? Tune in. Remember, your access is now granted. Let’s take the leap and initiate change.
Host
Zhitong Li (UCL BSc Anthropology – 3rd Year)
Yuxin Zhu (UCL BSc Statistics graduate)
Guest
Beth Woolley (UCL MASc in Creative Health)
Timestamps
00:01:52 Beth’s brief self-introduction and her mental health challenges
00:05:06 Supportive teaching team as UCL’s saving grace
00:07:20 Beth’s coping mechanism when navigating difficult circumstances
00:11:18 Three big turning points in Beth’s life, looking for inner strength
00:18:13 Beth talks about her organisation Creative Comfort which focuses on digital storytelling in healthcare
00:23:34 Embrace your unique needs and being autistic as an identity
00:28:49 Beth’s advice to everyone who are still struggling—- be honest
Music
Run —- by Beth Woolley
What’s more?
Beth’s delicate website with the touching song Run and many more: https://b3thw00lley.wixsite.com/autistically-me.
Access the amazing Creative Comfort here: https://www.thecreativecomfortcompany.com/.
Full Transcript
Zhitong and Yuxin 0:01
Welcome to AccessGranted, the stories of UCL's most inspiring students. Get ready to embark on a journey filled with triumphs, challenges, and everything in between. We're about to dive into the extraordinary lives of our incredible guests, who are breaking barriers, defying expectations and leaving the mark on the world. But hey! This isn't your average salary telling podcast.
We're about to infuse some wit, playfulness, and a dash of the unexpected into each episode. So sit back, adjust your headphones and get ready to be inspired and moved. Your access is now granted
1:05
[Music]
Yuxin Zhu 1:12
Hi, everyone. Welcome to AccessGranted. I'm Yuxin. I'm your host today, and I am a final year international student in statistics at UCL
Zhitong Li 1:25
Hi I'm Zhitong. I'm an upcoming final year BSc anthropology student here at UCL.
Yuxin Zhu 1:32
Today, we are so honored to have Beth here with us as our very first guest who will share with us her journey through higher education as a disabled and neurodivergent student, and a true advocate for change. So Beth, could you briefly introduce yourself to our audience?
Beth Woolley 1:54
Yeah, of course. So hi, everyone. My name is Beth. I am in my first and final year of my Masters of Arts and Science in creative health here at UCL. And as everyone has been saying, I am a disabled student. I'm autistic. I also have anxiety, and I'm also a trauma survivor as well. So I'm sure we're probably going to touch on bits of this kind of going through this podcast. But yeah, I think that's just a little bit about me and what I'm doing at UCL at the moment.
Zhitong Li 2:27
Thank you so much, Beth. So in our previous communication, you mentioned that you've been facing some mental health challenges. So could you maybe share some of the challenges you've encountered?
Beth Woolley 2:42
Yeah, of course I am. So my mental health struggles have been something that I've always well, I've not always been very open about them. They kind of started back when I was 16 when I was in college, and progressively got worse as my education experience got on. By the time I got to my BA which I did with the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama. I was very depressed, I was having panic attacks fairly frequently. At the time, I didn't know that I was autistic. I've only found that out in the last like, two years. And so not knowing that has also had like a really big impact on my experience of the world. Because I didn't realize that I had sensory difficulties, I didn't realize that there were other reasons going on as to, to why maybe I struggled with like eating food. And it was like not because of I had anything to do with body issues like people always talk about with eating disorders and stuff. It was just because it didn't like the texture and the taste and the smell of some food. And I didn't know what it was. So I just thought it was it was anxiety, because that's what the closest thing that I could find to it kind of was. And yeah, I ended up in hospital back in 2020 I think after a couple of suicide attempts, then kind of realized that I really needed to get some help. And my therapy journey has kind of continued through the final year of my BA into the course that I'm doing with UCL and I've learned, ironically, more about myself during the course at UCL than I think I'd ever learned. So like my mental health at the moment is a lot better than it has been.
Zhitong Li 4:16
That's good to hear that you're better right now. And I think it's really good that through your course that you kind of delve into your own personality,
Yuxin Zhu 4:29
I would say is truly moving that you got to share it with us Beth. Well, I guess that I have walked in your shoes before. I used to attempt suicide for more than a couple of times. And I'm totally aware that I'm still struggling. But I feel that's probably the same for all of us.
Zhitong Li 4:54
And I think considering the situation you mentioned above what kind of support have you received from UCL? And how would you say about them?
Beth Woolley 5:07
My teaching team this is the saving grace of UCL is my teaching team on the MASc course, have oh my goodness, they are just the most incredible people I have ever met in my life. They made the teaching environment at UCL, for me, so safe. Like the pair of them have just from the moment they met me had never once made me feel bad for needing to ask extra questions and clarify things because I'm autistic, I take things very literally sometimes. So I'm quite often like, hi, what did you mean, when you said this, I didn't really understand that. And what I opened up to them about the trauma that I had experienced at other universities, because they'd found me mid trauma base, panic attack, flashbacking thing. They were so amazing like I vividly remember the sat with me on the floor, the power of them, offering me cups of tea and coffee and water and biscuits, and just sat next to me and went it's okay, you're safe, we're here and not going to leave you like you're not alone. And I know that if it wasn't for these two angels of human beings, that I would likely have not stayed and completed my master's course. The enabled me to continue to kind of learn about and like my own mental health. And you know, I know I crochet in class I've made, we made a little wellbeing mascot. So I made a little bear in class, and my friends looked at it and what we need a well being mascot, let's name him Max. So that's that take him on adventures. And so now, my teaching team, we've got this little bear, he's in Italy with them at the moment. And I've seen so many pictures with them tagging me on Twitter big like, look at Max, his in Italy, he's doing this, this and this. And, yeah, I felt like the support that they've given me as a teaching duo has been fundamental to me deciding that I'm okay as I am. And that my mental health kind of doesn't have to define me and that I don't need to live my life constantly in fear of people finding out that I have panic attacks or I'm a trauma survivor or anything else.
7:19
[Music]
Yuxin Zhu 7:20
From when we were talking about this, it must have taken a huge amount of work to develop such an effective coping mechanism. Do you have any other strategies that you might find useful? No matter whether you fund this on your own, or from external sources?
Beth Woolley 7:41
Oh, gosh, yeah, I have quite a lot. I know that this is a podcast and so people aren't going to be able to see but I have headphones that I wear all the time, that are sort of noise cancelling. So I wear those anytime I go out the house or at the very least I have them with me because I swear I am allergic to the sound of sirens. I also as a very briefly mentioned I crochet, I've I've been crocheting since I was eight. And I've kind of always assumed was just a hobby and there wasn't anything more to it.
sounds 8:22
[crochet sounds]
Beth Woolley 8:23
and I'm part of an autistic support group, we were discussing our intense interests and the things that we do for our own like mental health and well being and I was sat there and I was like, I don't really know what my intense interest is. I was like maybe it's crochet, but I feel like that doesn't fit. And one of my friends in that group turned to me and she was like, it's not, it's not your intense interest, it's your way of stimming and I was like, Ah, I never really thought of that before because when you look at the NHS definition of what a neurodiverse stim is, they tend to say that it's something it's like a repetitive soothing action that can that is like aiming to reduce either like sensory overload anxieties, you know, they give examples like you know, jumping up and down or swaying or head bobbing that kind of stuff that and I never kind of thought about what crochet it is it is literally a very repetitive very soothing action of constantly knotting world with a hook. And so the second that they said this to me I was like, Oh boy I adore like of course of course it's so used to being like of course that's my autistic stim is me sitting in class and and that's why it reduces my sensory overload and my anxiety and my stress so much on why I'm so much more able to like sit and cope and concentrate and not feel like I'm constantly distressed or dissociating.
sounds 9:46
[crochet sounds]
Beth Woolley 9:46
I write songs. I really enjoy it. I have my own website as well. I started my website, originally back in I think 2017 When I was in college as kind of just like an online die. I agree. But it's subsequently then kind of turned more into like if I need to process and work through something that I think it's going to be useful for me to look back on, or it's going to be useful for maybe someone else who randomly stumbled across this. I don't think anyone ever has, but you never know. And yeah, I'm also, I'm just looking around my room, and I'm suddenly like, I've got lots of plants in my room. So I'm also a bit of a plant parent. And I like collecting plants and have watched them grow from like, little tiny like leaves if they're succulents or, you know, a tiny, like, three inch long stick that I stuck in some routing solution and then shoved in a pot on one. So I think that's kind of muesli, and also just the obvious one of being very honest with people around me if I'm having a bad day, and I think communication is also Yeah, like probably my number one recommendation for anyone who might be like struggling as scary as it seems. And it was terrifying when I started because it's, it's given them a much better idea as to like the kind of support that I need and also how to recognize when I'm okay versus distress, like, if you come across me in a panic attack, like don't touch me, like, next to me, that's fine. Just do not touch me. And I think being able to be very specific with kind of my own needs has been incredibly beneficial for everyone. Because it's meant that if something does go wrong, we don't end up making it worse by trying to like help someone if that makes sense.
Yuxin Zhu 11:25
I'm glad to learn that you have an inner support system in yourself. And you have stayed so strong. Well, I was a child abuse survivor, so I was kind of forced to find my own set of coping strategies while I was very little. I draw and the pictures were right fictions about what I dreamed of the night before. Me running away from different monsters in very strange settings, like a crowded supermarket. The schools I used to go to by never visit after I graduated. Why do I do that to survive? I'm not sure. But I guess this scenarios refer to the pain I used to keep to myself, and hide away from everyone. Is that helpful? I hope so. I still get cold feet while I'm meeting your monsters. So I was wondering best. Do you have any turning point in your life? After which you feel a lot braver turning whites? Well,
Beth Woolley 12:45
I think the big turning while there were two, no, three three tardy voids. The first turning point that I kind of had was getting out of my first when I say stuff like this, I'm where I'm the God. I've been interior emotionally abusive, manipulative relationships with two separate tutors at two separate institutions. The first one being my college. The tutor in question was called Sara, I will not name her surname, but I'm very open about what this woman did to me. I am and the first turning point for me was realizing that I can say no to her, and I wasn't gonna die. And I just I put my foot down one day and I was like, No, I'm not doing this. I'm not going to be your guinea pig. I'm not going to you did nothing to help me. You all watched as you knew that I was suicidal. And I was self harming and I had like issues with food. And you sit over there and you watched you would walk past me when I was like bawling my eyes out in a corridor and do nothing. And I cut her off and I was like, I'm I'm not staying in contact with you. I'm not letting you have any more power over me. I'm done. Like I'm moving to London. So I physically got distance from you. And then my second turning point, when I realized that I really didn't want to kind of continue down the road that I was going down because it would end up with me being physically dead and buried in the ground was when I was in hospital for three or four days, an extended period of time after my suicide attempts.
[hospital sounds]
I was miserable. It was the middle of COVID. So I had no contact. I couldn't speak to my family. I couldn't speak to any of my friends. I ended up losing all three of the friends that I was living with at the time. And they were my only friends at that time. And so I was completely heartbroken that they had left me and that my very limited support system that I had in London had basically been wiped completely clean. And I I was I remember kind of lying in the hospital beds and listening. It's like the sounds of the machines beeping and the nurses are like seeing everyone else in this ward that I was in and being like, I feel miserable. I was Unlike medications that were making me super sick, super nauseous, like didn't want to eat was like, not happy. And I just vividly remember sitting there being like, I'm so bored. And I'm in so much emotional pain, I was like, I never, ever want to come back to this place ever again, I don't have what it takes, I am going to get myself better. I do not want to not only put myself through this emotional pain again, but I don't want my dad and my siblings to ever have to see me in this situation again, because it nearly destroyed my family. And it I don't know what it was, but it was like something kind of flicked in my head. And I was like, I can get better. I just knew that it was going to be okay, I genuinely can't explain what it was that happened. But I moved back to Wales, I put myself in therapy, I stopped self harming, I've had moments here and there where it's been a fee without, but we like I've just known that, like it's going to be okay. And even when things got really incredibly tough, because like I survived suicide attempts and like, that's as low as you can get there is no lower than that. And then, I think the biggest turning point for me, where I actually realized that this, this mantra that I had had in my head around like, It's okay you do are enough, you're going to fight people, you're going to be okay, you're going to have a future eventually came true. Whereas when, at the start of this year, actually, when I was at a really low pace, because of the court case that I was going through, and I lost another friend as a result of that. And I said, I looked around me and I was like, I've got friends, like I've been told my entire life by everyone that I knew that I sucked at relationships, and that I sucked at friendships and like I scared people off. And I remember looking around a classroom that I was sat in the back of and being like, that person is my friend. And now my friend. And that one's also someone that I got on well with. And we're going out for coffee later and looking around the room being like, Oh my God, I've got a group of at least 10 people who are solidly standing by my side, and being like we unconditionally love and support you. And just, I was like, I wanted to go back in time and give 16 year old me a massive hug and be like, you know, you're gonna go through some incredibly tough times. But like, look at where we are now look at all of these amazing people that we've gotten all of the things that we've overcome, and we know what we want to do. We know what we are worse. And since that moment, I just I feel like I've I haven't stopped worrying, I still worry a lot. But the things that I've worried about have gone from being away worried that someone's going to run away or someone's going to leave you oh my god, did I talk too much to that to you? Or when I was like when they found me and I was stressing I was slightly dissociated to how long are we going to stay in contact? Or oh, look, I found something really good over funding dt that I'm going to send to this tutor because I know that they like that. It's changed to like smaller things rather than worrying about the longevity of something.
Zhitong Li 18:08
Right. So you mentioned your experience in the hospital after your suicide attempt. Is that the experience inspired you to found creative comfort.
Beth Woolley 18:21
It wasn't actually it was part of the reason creative comfort was formed. They gave us a start of 2020 to a similar organization. Creative comfort, specializes in creating interactive digital or in person storytelling interventions. And it was because my colleague Malia and I had been doing a lot of different arts and health projects and kind of realized that what we were really interested in which is like very immersive storytelling based kind of interventions for improving people's well being that were led by what this particular participant was interested in. Like we very firmly believe that it's not a one size fits all model. Like that's not going to work we want everyone to kind of have their own time and space to be able to explore. But it's very much driven out of the desire from both my own lived experience and some of my own lived experiences that me never want someone to feel bored and miserable and alone in a hospital like no one should be forced to sit in a bed with no pert no human interaction. So we did one during I think it was a COVID lockdown. I can't remember which one there were so many where we created a an immersive online. We created on a website called play which kind of a if anyone listening is interested in exploring this Google Twinery Dr. Walk and there's like a little, a little website that someone has created that allows you to program your own interactive story. Let people have you used to make escape rooms or games of some description. But Molly and I used it to create a very immersive nature based exploration adventure thing, hence the name adventure, where people could kind of go through and choose a location that they wanted to take an adventure into, like a forest or beach or a city or places like that. And then they would be able to follow a story through it and listening to audio of a story that either we were telling or we're hoping in the future will be a story that they have told us that we then go back and we find pictures and images and videos that are relevant to their story.
Zhitong Li 20:42
Yeah, I think the embodied experience are so really important for people to learn things.
Yuxin Zhu 20:59
is astonishing that you have been an activist for inclusiveness, while still keeping up with good academic records. Could you tell us about how have you been managing the amount of your academic work at UCL?
Beth Woolley 21:19
I think I'm still trying to figure it out. And might not necessarily have like a solid answer to this. Because it changed depending on the time and how busy it was one of the first assessments that we had called a rapid evidence review, which is like a really weird literature review. And I got so stressed about it, like I was breaking down crying, like, and this kind of happened during Christmas time as well, when my family came down with COVID. So I was then facing a really incredibly stressful period. Uni is no longer like on because it's Christmas holidays. Yeah, how to break down at about midnight, messaged me to on Boxing Day. And basically, do you add a hallway? God, I'm gonna fail this assessment. I just like word dumped at them. They got back like a couple of days later. And just like why did you not ask for help sooner? Like we're here, we're not going to bite you type thing. And so I came up with a list of questions. And I think because my tutors didn't lash out and call me stupid for needing to ask for help. But I mean, like, why would they for starters? I think because they didn't do that they again, kind of created a space where I felt like I, I lost that fear a little bit. I just basically was like, Okay, I need help with this. I need help with that. I've now become that student who most because I asked so many questions, and I've got the answers. And so I've somehow become like a an additional tutor on this course. But like if you need an answer to something in relation to an assessment, go and ask bass because not only once you get back quicker than the tutors should also possibly explain it to us slightly better because she understands it from a student's point of view rather than using Academic being mostly just being stupidly honest with everyone. I've I've refused as of late to let my anxiety dictate what I can and can't do. I've made mistakes that I've missed, unintentionally. But I think yeah, having been honest, and just admitted to myself that like I am going to need extra support. Like I'm a disabled student, I don't have a normal experience of the world. But I will need to ask more questions. That doesn't mean that I'm I'm stupid, or I'm just not getting something, it just means I need something explained to me in a slightly different way with slightly different languages or different examples.
Zhitong Li 23:50
I can definitely relate to you because as a international students who doesn't really speak English as my first language, there are just so many academic terms and you know, the use of language that sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. It's not that you're less intelligent or something, but you just need to find like another kind of expression. Yeah, to really understand.
Beth Woolley 24:16
Yeah, it took me far too long to admit that I needed that as well. But I'm really glad that I have because I feel like I'm doing a lot better with the whole academic stuff than I even was when I was at the level like I think I've learned to just fully embrace the fact that I'm just a massive nerd. And that that's fine. Because over where there's like a lot of stigma attached to being a nerd and being a geek, you know, all of the stereotypical representations of what that is. In the media. I think I'd always felt like I needed to hide the fact that I love to research and I work really hard on things and I always felt like I needed to be ashamed of that because like, I didn't really fit the category You have like what a nerd is in the media like it's taken me 21 and a half years, I'm 22 now, so it's taken most of my life, to get to a point where like, Hey, I'm going to embrace this and I'm just gonna go full whack out massive nerd and like, not be ashamed of it anymore. Because I spent most of my life not knowing that I was autistic. No, I don't think I'd ever really sort of sat and thought about the stigma. It was only when I am self diagnosed, I'm obviously become more aware of the stigma attached to being autistic and having different ways in different needs of like, you know, self expression and conversation and all of that, as I've kind of grown more aware as like the expectations that people have for people within society, and started looking, I did a massive, nearly 7000 word essay on the media's obsession with unhealthy and dangerous representations of mental health and neurodiversity. Yeah, I would obviously kind of I learned about the stigma through that, and also the impact that the media and society has on people. But I've also started experiencing it myself, especially on the tube and in London. And this is something I find really amusing, because I used to get catcalled quite a lot. I don't like it. It's not something that I vibe with, it makes me feel really uncomfortable or really unsafe. But the second that I wear something that says that I'm autistic, it's like I suddenly am repellent to everyone in the universe in the street. And they're all like, No, we're not ever going to make eye contact with you, we're going to ignore you. It's like they think autism is like something that I'm going to pass on to them. And it's like, but I've also noticed around the language a lot, even within the arts and health area that I work in. So many people say that someone has autism. And I'm like, we don't we don't have autism, because that implies that it's something that can be cured, or something that we don't want something that could potentially go away. My autism has been with me since I was born. And it is never gonna go away. It is an inherent part of my identity. And it's along the same lines with saying with someone saying, Oh, you have autism? No. And they do this even when I say that I am autistic. I think people not understanding why identity first language is valid and is needed. Because like if you say my autism is like the thing that is more important than me as a person that implies that you're like, I'm not enough as I am. And it's also very dehumanizing. Because I'm, I'm more than the things that I struggle with.
Zhitong Li 27:48
Yeah, I think this pretty much like being gay is the same. Like, as being autistic is, it's a part of me, it's not something that can be removed. Okay, so last question. Best, what what advice would you give to students who are facing similar challenges us to you in navigating their academic journey, or UCL or generally in higher education?
Beth Woolley 28:17
So, I think, for me, the biggest piece of advice that I could give to anyone, and this is advice that I would have wanted to have been given myself when I was younger is, I think, as I've been saying, the entire podcast is be honest. Find someone that you trust, it doesn't necessarily have to be a family member, it could be a tutor or a friend. If you're going through like a tough time, like just reach out and be honest about it. Because I learned the hard way that in the long run, hiding things and pretending like you're okay, doesn't make it all go away. It doesn't make it better. It doesn't make it easier to deal with it makes it worse it and I think being able to start a conversation with someone and be like, Look, I'm struggling, you don't even necessarily need to give them all of the details. Just be like I'm struggling, I need some extra support. Let them help you. Like don't ever feel like you don't deserve help. And you don't deserve someone to kind of sit and listen to you and support you because you do. And I think if there are things that bring you joy in your life that you can do in class to reduce your own mental health conditions like whatever that is do that. And I think I can say this across UCL. Like so many tutors that I have spoken to you across lots of different courses have been so understanding about different learning needs and have wanted to make space for students, you know, they're able to learn come to me in a way that suits them. So don't be afraid to take that into your own hands. You deserve help, and you deserve support. And if you don't ask for it, then unfortunately, you're probably not going to get it so. So, yeah, I think that's my biggest piece of advice.
Zhitong Li 30:24
It's really practical.
Beth Woolley 30:26
I guess sometimes it's just necessary for you to take the first step. Yeah. This shouldn't necessarily always be on the student to take the first step.
Zhitong Li 30:35
But under this current context.
Beth Woolley 30:38
Yeah.
Zhitong Li 30:39
Yeah. Thank you, Beth.
Beth Woolley 30:41
It's fine. Thank you. That was really lovely.
Zhitong Li and Yuxin Zhu 30:45
And there you have it - the end of Beth's all inspiring chapter in Access Granted. She reminds us that through embracing our unique selves, we can shatter barriers and forge new paths. Her advocacy for accessibility, mental health and neurodiversity is a beacon of hope for a more inclusive future at UCL and beyond. Thank you for listening to our very first episode of Access Granted. Hope you enjoyed. Stay tuned for more empowering episodes as the stories of UCL's most inspiring students are far from over.
As we sign off, keep embracing diversity and celebrating the uniqueness that makes each one of us shine.
Thank you for being a part of Access Granted, where we're together, we make a difference.
If you got any questions, would like to be our next guest, please don't hesitate to reach out to us through social media or via email. Show notes are available on our website.
Now, let's enjoy the rest of Beth's wonderful song, Run.
And see you around next time.