Alumni Insights: 10 signs you need to establish boundaries

In today's whirlwind way of life, safeguarding our mental and emotional well-being needs are of utmost importance. 

Boundaries are essential to defining our personal space, safeguarding our time, and nurturing our relationships. Yet even though many of us know this is important, our people pleasing tendencies, learned behaviours and patterns can get in the way of actually setting them. 

Here are ten indicators, each paired with the psychological barriers that may hinder you, and some ideas of how you can verbalise these boundaries in your life. 

1. Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted

Consistently feeling drained and exhausted, like there's never enough time for yourself, is a sign of your body speaking to you. It also shows you are spreading yourself thin. If you often find you are sacrificing your personal time and sleep to work or feel chronically fatigued, here is something that you can say out loud.  

Setting a boundary: "I've been burning the candle at both ends, and it's taking a toll and it's affecting my well-being. Starting from today, I'll be leaving the office on time to prioritize my self-care and rest." 

2. Fear of rejection or abandonment 

If you are overworking or compensating your behaviour because you are afraid of what will happen if you don’t, it is probably very important to you that people like you and see the things you do. This deep-seated fear of job loss or disappointing colleagues leads to an inability to assert personal needs. 

Setting a boundary: "I appreciate the opportunities here, but I need to balance my work and personal life. I'll be allocating time for self-care and rest to ensure I can continue to contribute effectively." 

3. Resentment towards others 

In relationships things can often change and you can feel frustrated when plans are consistently cancelled last minute, as if one's time isn't valued. Whilst it is common for things to change, if this happens often and you accumulate uneasy feelings over time this can lead to feeling frustrated even resentful towards people. Being able to vocalise how this is impacting you and sharing a way forward can improve your communication skills and relationship with the people around you. 

Setting a boundary: "I value our time together, but it's been challenging for me when plans are frequently cancelled last minute. In the future, I'd appreciate it if we could plan things more reliably." 

4. Guilt and shame

In relationships we encounter moments where someone’s behaviour can negatively affect us. We often don’t share this with a person because we are afraid of creating potential conflict or jeopardising a friendship. Trust that the other person can receive your concerns when you express yourself from your heart and you are working to create a harmonious relationship. 

Setting a boundary: "I value our friendship and I need to be honest with you. When [specific behaviour] happens, it affects me negatively. I'd appreciate it if we could find a way to work through this together." 

5. Difficulty saying no

For people who find it hard to say no, you will often feel that you are running around with an endless to do list, plus a desire to make the people around you happy.  

You might tend to accept additional tasks, even when you are already overloaded, stemming from a fear of disappointing colleagues, friends or family.  

Setting a boundary: "I'm grateful for the opportunity to take on additional projects, but I need to be realistic about my capacity. I won't be able to take on any more tasks right now." 

6. Need for external validation

When we live for external validation we often wait to hear for someone else to tell us we are doing a good job, for others to see one's capability and reliability, which can make it challenging to set workload limits. 

Setting a boundary: "I appreciate the confidence you have in my abilities, but I need to ensure that I'm managing my workload in a sustainable way. I won't be able to take on additional tasks at this time." 

7. Neglecting personal needs

Consistently prioritising others over oneself, neglecting personal needs. If you have scheduled some time for yourself, whether that is to go for a run, take a yoga class, have a night in and you easily accommodate other people’s request over your own. 

Setting a boundary: "I'm committed to helping out, but I also need to make sure I'm taking care of myself. I won't be available for extra tasks during my night off." 

8. Low self-esteem and self-worth

Struggling with prioritising personal well-being due to feelings of unworthiness. If you grew up believing that you must push through, work hard and that rest is something which comes as secondary or that you should keep all the balls high at the same time. This may be an indicator to work towards accepting that you are human being not a human doing and that building self-worth starts with compassion and the narrative you tell yourself. 

Setting a boundary: "I've come to realize that my own well-being is just as important as helping others. I'll be prioritising my own needs moving forward." 

9. Avoiding confrontation at all costs

Let’s say that you have recently moved into a new apartment, and you discover that your neighbours have a different evening routine - they are particularly loud at night and it’s impacting your levels of sleep. You allow this behaviour to go on for weeks on end because you don’t want to confront them. You notice that you have a strong aversion to confrontation, finding it uncomfortable to speak up. 

Setting a boundary: "I've noticed that the noise levels at certain times are affecting my sleep. Can we talk about finding a solution that works for both of us?" 

10. Fear of conflict or confrontation

You regard yourself to be highly independent, thinking you are the one that needs to solve things consistently and for everyone you are likely to keep things to yourself. Being vulnerable to share your feelings and initiate a conversation can be a first step to towards creating relationship and environments that support your emotional wellbeing. 

Setting a boundary: "I've been struggling with this situation, and I think it's important for us to talk about it openly and find a resolution that works for both of us." 

Becoming good at setting boundaries  

If you recognise yourself in one of these patterns know that you are not alone. Realise that you have already taken a first great step which is to recognise them. This marks the initial opportunity towards freeing yourself from inhibiting behaviour patterns we have learned over time, but which are no longer useful or supportive in our lives. 

With self-awareness, support, and practice, you can address these challenges, creating a life which feels more harmonious. 

Remember, setting boundaries is an affirmation of self-love and is a skill you can learn to create a life which allows you to have enough energy to do the things that are important to you.  

Further information

• Nathalie Van Haaren is a Leadership & Business Coach at Npower. Visit Natalie’s website 
• You can watch the recording of Nathalie’s UCL Connect event here: ‘Thriving at Work – balancing wellbeing and success in your career’