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Suicide: Let's talk about it #2 - How to talk to someone who is thinking of suicide?

12 February 2019

Finding the right words to say to somebody who may be feeling suicidal is often difficult. Bernadette, a suicide prevention trainer, shares some personal experiences and tips on how best to ask those important questions and provide comfort.

sunset at the beach

Most of my working life has been focussed around supporting and enabling people in need. I was a Social Worker for many years within the field of mental health and have worked within the Mind network (in different capacities) for the last 20 years. I started a journey with suicide as a student social worker when I found one of my clients in the process of taking her own life. Since then I have become a suicide intervention trainer and much of my work has focussed on research and delivery of suicide prevention and intervention skills and techniques. I am also a Samaritan listener and I deliver training for the Samaritans. My work at UCL has involved training, but also some scoping work with various groups throughout the university to consider how best to keep the whole population at UCL safer from suicide.

I wanted to talk about one of the myths in the last article which was “talking about suicide can promote the idea of trying it”. Because, if we believe this, we can miss clear signs from someone who is thinking about suicide.

The Samaritans tell us that thoughts of suicide are temporary, they last usually (not always) for about 30 minutes, they may indeed come back (and often do), but if we are more suicide aware, if we are prepared to be brave and to talk about suicide, we can ultimately save people from acting on their thoughts of suicide and dying.

From personal experience, I can share the following. When I have asked someone, I simply use what they have told me and reflect their words back to them. I might also reflect what I have seen them do, or know that they have experienced.

For example, “Sometimes, when people are away from home and feeling isolated, spilt up with a partner and are saying things like ‘Iʼve had enoughʼ, ‘I canʼt go onʼ, they are talking about ending their lives or suicide, is this what you think about?” Or maybe I might just say “I can hear that things are tough right now, do you think of suicide” or “are you having thoughts of suicide right now?”.

Mostly when I have asked, I have then just sat back and listened as the person has said ‘yesʼ and felt a huge sense of relief because

  1. someone has noticed,
  2. someone has cared enough to ask and is now prepared to listen to the ‘whyʼ; and
  3. they are no longer alone, blinkered and only thinking about suicide.

Sometimes when I have asked, the person has responded with a comment like “no, things arenʼt that bad!” Or once someone said “no, but thank you for asking me!”

We worry about saying ‘itʼ, about asking about suicide and getting it wrong, ‘putting the idea into someoneʼs headʼ. Research has shown that we canʼt do that. We know today that suicide is all around us, it’s in the news, on TV soaps, in the newspaper. It’s not as taboo as years ago when often suicide was referred to as the ʼSʼ word!

Why is it so important to ask?

When someone is thinking about suicide, that is all that they can focus on.

Their thoughts are all consuming, thinking about the things that have led them to consider suicide as an option.

They often feel alone and are often in a very ‘dark placeʼ, not being able to see any light in the tunnel at all.

Imagine, then when someone is brave enough to stop, tap them on the shoulder and ask if it is suicide that they are staring at.

Doing this courageous thing, can offer huge relief.

It gives that person the permission to talk about suicide and what has led them to consider suicide and it gives them hope, hope that there is a future and hope because someone cares enough to talk about the thing that has been all-consuming for them.

So please, be the courageous one, if you suspect that your peer, friend, family member, tutor, hall warden or a stranger may be thinking about suicide, ask today….and don’t regret tomorrow.


Suicide – Let’s talk about it

Suicide is not something we often discuss openly, but it is an important issue that can affect us all. Student Support and Wellbeing are trying to encourage a more open conversation around suicide across UCL.

Read our guidance on what to do if you're having suicidal thoughts

Read our guidance on how to support others who may be feeling suicidal  

We can all help

As members of the UCL community, we can all play a part in supporting each other. Zero Suicide Alliance provide a free online suicide prevention training course which is accessible to all.

The training is approximately 20 minutes long and aims to help you:

  • Identify when an individual is presenting with suicidal thoughts/behaviour
  • Lead a conversation about suicide in a supportive manner
  • Signpost an individual to the correct services for support
    Bernadette Davies, Suicide Prevention Trainer