Facing the Christmas period: advice for dealing with feelings of loneliness and relationships with family

For you, the idea of Christmas may feel remote from the growing festive atmosphere and from the mood of retailers' advertisements with their emphasis on joy, warmth and closeness.

For some of you, it will not be possible to return home, or to a place where close ones are under the same roof. Home may feel different this year due to the sad losses of close ones or separations, or the idea of being home with your families evokes thoughts of difficulties in relationships, frictions and dissatisfactions. 

So let us take a few moments to think about it …

Feelings of loneliness are normal

Experiencing feelings of loneliness at times is part of life, particularly if we are going through a difficult patch, but the emphasis at Christmas on happiness, warmth, being together and feelings of proximity, everywhere we go and in many contacts we have, is bound to exacerbate them. All the hectic activity of the term also suddenly comes to a halt and can create a void. Christmas and times supposedly spent together are also markers of what may not be possible anymore with close ones who we may miss, or who are not available, awakening regular feelings of loneliness.

It is completely normal to feel sad and alone at certain moments and to want to (re)create a bit of that warmth. Try to support yourself by accepting that it is how you feel and by learning to bring some warmth to yourself little by little. If you are staying at UCL, there are a number of events happening that you can get involved in.

Relationship hurdles at Christmas

Being 'back together' can recreate old dynamics and uncomfortable experiences (the sibling who seems to 'know it all', the disengaged father, the stressed out mother etc.), and the pull to revert back to familiar ways of being with each other. Changes incircumstances (losses, parental separations, new partners, new children, break-ups etc.) will affect your close relationships in different ways.

• Notice the old patterns, observe the new ones, register how they make you feel and do not necessarily act upon them. You can write them down to allow you some distance and proper reflection about them.
• Review your expectations: what you keep hoping to be available will not necessarily be on offer this time, nor is it obtainable. Recognising the reality, however gruelling or strenuous, can help us to move forward.
• It is possible, even though painful, to recover from feelings of 'failing' or 'failed' expectations. Treat and comfort yourself as you would a friend: assume the way you experienced things was the way it happened - talk to yourself as if it mattered. Over time it will help this part of you to grow. 
• Even if it feels limited, try to remain open to what is available to you.
• Put behaviours and reactions into individual perspectives and contexts: they have more than one meaning. Intentions and individual responses are distinct and may be quite different to how you feel, experience or think about them. 
• You do not necessarily have to get caught up or involved in these dynamics: if you decide that it is not the time, not relevant, not appropriate or effective to address them, try to avoid triggers or provoking others' triggers, and engage in matters you will all find more manageable. You can plan to speak later. 
• If you decide to address conflicts at some point, calmly examine what the conflicting needs are (eg. goals, means, wishes etc.), keep a sense of your own emotions, encourage an understanding of your respective feelings, and communicate clearly about the issue.
• And finally, notice how you have changed and are changing as a young and maturing adult and that it may also affect your close ones: they may find it somehow unsettling - they may not know and may still be working out how to be with you as a growing adult.

Warm wishes for the Christmas period and the coming year.

Isabelle Hans, Psychodynamic Therapist, UCL Psychological Services