My Wedding Speech

On 10th January 2009 I became the happiest man in the world. However, my joy apparently caused me to deliver my speech in the manner of the scatman, so in case you coughed and missed it, here it is reproduced in all its glory:

Intro

Hello everyone. I'm a very lucky man (pause) I've got the easiest of these 3 speeches. (pause, remember) oh, and of course, I'm now married to a beautiful and wonderful woman, my new wife, Jess. (toast: to my new wife, Jessica)

That reminds me that I learnt a good tip at my sister's wedding. If I get nervous during this speech, just propose an impromptu toast to give myself a few seconds to collect my thoughts. So we'll see how it goes, we could all be a bit merry by the end of this.

Thank John and Irene

A big thank you to John for his kind words. And thank you to both you and Irene for your help and support, not just with the wedding, but during the time that I have known you, and through Jess's entire life. I promise to take good care of her, but of course I know that you will be there for us both, and I look forward to being part of your family. Here's a small gift and I'd like to propose a toast (toast: to John and Irene)

Thank guests

Thank you all for being here, and for your kind and generous presents. I know many of you have travelled a long way to celebrate this special day with us. It's great to see so many family and friends here - it wouldn't have been the same without you - just much cheaper!

Thank Mum and Dad

Mum and Dad, a massive thank you for everything you've done for me, for us both, not just in preparing for this wedding, but throughout my entire life, and more recently for the last minute shopping for the bits we'd forgotten - I know that this wasn't an easy task. I'm very fortunate and proud to have you as my parents. As a token of our appreciation, we have a small gift for you.

Great day

This is truly a day that I have been looking forward to for a very long time, partly because it means I'll have time to do something other than plan for a wedding, but mainly because of everything that this day represents. A public display of mine and Jess's love for each other, with beautiful memories and photographs that will last a lifetime. I am proud to be marrying Jess on this day and I'm very glad you could all be here to share in our happiness. Of course, there are some of our friends and family who are no longer with us and so could not be with us on this special event, but they live on in our memories and surely would have appreciated this day. I'd be grateful if you all joined me in a toast in their honour (toast: to absent friends and family)

(pause for silence)

January 10th is remembered for many great events - on this day in 1863, the world oldest underground railway - London underground opened. In 1949, George Foreman of boxing and of course lean mean low-fat grilling machine fame was born. And in 2009, you were with us to hear the finest best man speech of your entire life!! So, no pressure then Swan?!

Actually, Swan, you've done a great job, organising 2 stag dos and helping me keep lighthearted when things were getting stressful, although possibly ringing me in the middle of the night to play me clips from Iron Man was not one of those times. And it'll remain to be seen how thankful I am after I've heard your speech, but as a token of my gratitude for your sterling efforts so far here's a couple of small gifts for you. One of these I expect you'll treasure for ever - I certainly wouldn't recommend actually drinking the Poire Williams!!

Bridesmaid

Before I hand over to Swan, I'd like to lead everyone in one more toast - any excuse for another drink! Belinda, you're looking beautiful as a bridemaid . Obviously, I'll be sure to use you every time I get married from now on! Toast: Belinda.

I'd like to remind you all that wild and enthusiastic clapping burns up to 50 calories a minute. With that in mind, I'd like to hand over to my best man. Get burning those calories!