Coming out
Coming Out to Yourself
(see below)
Coming Out Advice
Coming Out to Family
Coming Out to Friends
Coming Out at University
Coming Out to Yourself
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"I just sort of ignored it, not really ignored it but I didn't address it as much, but then sort of push it to the side and not think about it."
Before you can come out to anyone else, you have to come out to yourself. There is no hard and fast rule when this happens. Some people are certain of their sexuality and/or gender identity from a very young age; for others it can happen much later in life. Accepting the conclusion that one is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender hopefully is easier nowadays than it has been in the past. Attitudes are somewhat more accepting and there are now more people living openly lesbian, gay, bi and trans lives than there have been in the recent past. However the decision to come out to yourself can still be a very scary one and can be a period of upheaval and uncertainty.
Who can help lists some people and organisations that can help.
Coming Out Advice
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It is important that you come out to people who will validate and celebrate your new found sexuality and/or gender identity as well as to people who may question it. You may also want to talk over the situation in detail first - see below.
- Look for sympathetic people to come out to first.
- Follow your own timetable - it's your life and your sexuality and/or gender identity.
- Don't feel you have to tell people until you are ready.
- Don't assume people are homo/transphobic just because they make anti-gay/trans jokes. Often people haven't really thought the thing through, and don't do so until someone close to them comes out.
- Sadly the opposite can also be true. Just because people claim to be liberal or politically correct doesn't mean that they cannot be quite fixed and judgemental in their view of gay, lesbian, bi and trans persons.
- Don't be too put off by an initial bad reaction. Many people react badly when they are faced with something that has shocked them.
- Choose your medium. If you are worried that someone will be very hostile, writing might give them time to assimilate the news better.
- Never feel guilty! Easier said than done, but once we start blaming ourselves for other's bad reactions to us we are on the road to depression. None of us has control over how we are, so we don't need to apologise for it.
Generally, however, you may be surprised by how positive the experience of coming out can be. Very few people regret coming out, even if it is difficult at the time.
"It was like this burden and it was just gone and I could just be myself again"
Coming out to Family
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"It's a bit hard to be around my mum, & the hardest thing is going through all these changes and being happy about some things but not being able to share it with her, & I don't know if I've changed around her, I think I probably have actually, more low and quiet, I don't talk to her as much."
Keeping your sexuality and/or gender identity secret from your family can be painful, particularly if you feel you cannot share important developments in your life. Families often have detailed plans for their children and can be very upset when it becomes clear that not all their hopes are going to be realised. Parents may have difficulty accepting their children's sexuality and/or gender identity they may worry that they have failed somehow, or have fears about your future. You may worry that you have disappointed them, or fear rejection.
Coming out to family can be particularly difficult if you are still living with or are financially dependent on them. Usually it is best to come out to friends first, so that you have support in this. The general advice about coming out (Coming out advice) all applies here. Take your time and tell your parents when you feel supported and able to respond to their concerns. There are no guarantees, however it is worth knowing that most families are either immediately accepting or come around in time.
The UCL LGBT society has more advice on coming out to family.
FFLAG Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays
FFLAG is dedicated to supporting parents and their gay, lesbian and bisexual sons and daughters. 40 telephone helplines across the UK and parents' groups which hold regular meetings. See their website for more information. Central Helpline no: 01454 852 418.
PFLAG
Support for parents/families of lesbians, gay and bisexual people. C/o Voluntary Action Leeds, Stringer house, 34 Lupton Street, LS10. 0113 267 4627.
Family Support Service at PACE FREE
Counselling service for families with children under 25 who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or questioning their sexuality. Contact Howard Delmonte at PACE. Click here for more information about this FREE service. Telephone: 020-7700 1323
www.pacehealth.org.uk
The Beaumont Society - the largest and longest established transgendered support group in the UK.
The Gender Trust - UK Charity Helping with Gender Identity Issues
Coming Out to Friends
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Friends and other groups may have their own very definite opinions or prejudices. As the advice above says, try coming out first to friends who you think are likely to support you.
The LGBT soc pages have some useful advice on coming out to friends at university.
Coming out at University
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Everyone doesn't have to know. Many people - such as Department Staff - will consider your sexuality and/or gender identity your own business. You don't have to share it with them unless you particularly want to. However, you should also feel safe in being open about your sexuality if you feel it is relevant, or if you are curious about LGBT issues related to the topic you are discussing. Don't be ashamed to raise awareness, lecturers may not have thought about homosexuality and/or transgender in relation to their topic and there is a wide variety of gay and gender theory in relation to development; sociology; literature and drama to name but a few areas.
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